Headlines from the year 2029....

(hat tip: Gayle)

OZONE CREATED BY ELECTRIC CARS NOW KILLING MILLIONS IN THE SEVENTH LARGEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, MEXIFORNIA. AMERICAN-BORN MINORITIES STILL TRYING TO HAVE ENGLISH RECOGNIZED AS MEXIFORNIA'S THIRD LANGUAGE.

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SPOTTED OWL PLAGUE THREATENS NORTHWESTERN UNITED STATES CROPS AND LIVESTOCK.

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BABY CONCEIVED NATURALLY; SCIENTISTS STUMPED.

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COUPLE PETITIONS COURT TO REINSTATE HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE.

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LAST REMAINING FUNDAMENTALIST MUSLIM DIES IN THE AMERICAN TERRITORY OF THE MIDDLE EAST (FORMERLY KNOWN AS IRAN, AFGHANISTAN, SYRIA AND LEBANON).

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IRAQ STILL CLOSED OFF; PHYSICISTS ESTIMATE IT WILL TAKE AT LEAST 10 MORE YEARS BEFORE RADIOACTIVITY DECREASES TO SAFE LEVELS.

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FRANCE PLEADS FOR GLOBAL HELP AFTER BEING TAKEN OVER BY JAMAICA.

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CASTRO FINALLY DIES AT AGE 112: CUBAN CIGARS CAN NOW BE IMPORTED LEGALLY, BUT PRESIDENT CHELSEA CLINTON HAS BANNED ALL SMOKING.

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GEORGE Z. BUSH SAYS HE WILL RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2036.

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POSTAL SERVICE RAISES PRICE OF FIRST CLASS STAMP TO $17.89 AND REDUCES MAIL DELIVERY TO WEDNESDAYS ONLY.

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85-YEAR, $75.8 BILLION STUDY: DIET AND EXERCISE IS THE KEY TO WEIGHT LOSS.

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AVERAGE WEIGHT OF AMERICANS DROPS TO 250 POUNDS.


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JAPANESE SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A CAMERA WITH SUCH A FAST SHUTTER SPEED, THEY NOW CAN PHOTOGRAPH A WOMAN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT.

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MASSACHUSETTS EXECUTES LAST REMAINING CONSERVATIVE.

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SUPREME COURT RULES PUNISHMENT OF CRIMINALS VIOLATES THEIR CIVIL RIGHTS.

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AVERAGE HEIGHT OF NBA PLAYERS NOW NINE FEET, SEVEN INCHES.

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NEW FEDERAL LAW REQUIRES THAT ALL NAIL-CLIPERS, SCREWDRIVERS, FLY SWATTERS AND ROLLED-UP NEWSPAPERS MUST BE REGISTERED BY JANUARY 2036.

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CONGRESS AUTHORIZES DIRECT DEPOSIT OF FORMERLY ILLEGAL POLITICAL CONTRIBUTIONS TO CAMPAIGN ACCOUNTS.

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IRS SETS LOWEST TAX RATE AT 75 PERCENT.